I had a victory today that I wanted to share. I was dreading a doctor appointment because the last time I was there, I did not feel heard. My old self would have gone home and binged after my appointment to make myself feel better. This behavior would spill into the next day, and the next, and the next to the point where I did not even realize what I was doing. It would become second nature. I would wake up a month later and wonder to myself, how did I get here? How did it get so bad? And then I would try to reign it in and control my compulsive eating with various diets or fasts and it would work for a bit, but then ultimately fail. And the cycle would repeat itself again and again with the next event and the next. This cycle applied to any situation where I felt I needed to control the outcome but could not. So, it did not even have to be a doctor appointment not going my way, it could have been any situation good or bad where I believed I needed a perfect outcome. I could have been celebrating a birthday where I believed it was “my day” and I deserved to have a perfect day.
Since working the steps, I take that same anxious energy that I used to try to control outcomes of any situation; and, instead of going to the food for ease and comfort to deal with the result, I now send 10th steps to my sponsor and go into action and turn my attention to helping someone else.
So, today, by the time the doctor appointment arrived, I was able to take my sponsor’s feedback of going into my doctor’s appointment with the new perspective of knowing I am not alone and there is a new solution. I was able to show up and be present by letting go absolutely. Absolutely, meaning my mind was quiet and open enough to allow my hp in to help guide me into letting go of my character defects that were wanting to gain control of the interaction. And the doctor appointment went well. And even if the doctor’s appointment did not go well, I would have had the same solution: I am not alone. Letting go absolutely works.
LY
