The Decision Has Already Been Made

I use to think that from day one, I had Step one licked. I knew for sure I was powerless over food. I thought, “Are you kidding?” The evidence is all over the place, the sweet-seeking and binging on recreational sugar, the compulsion to eat more once I start and the constant overeating at meals, taking comfort in the repetition of fork to mouth and that all too familiar feeling of being stuffed to the point of physical pain. For sure, my life was unmanageable. No doubt. 

But today I know that working step one is more than that. Being powerless means knowing my biggest food triggers (alcoholic foods) and being willing to abstain from ALL those foods no matter what. In the beginning, that meant abstaining from recreational sugar—my drug of choice— the root of my addiction.

It wasn’t easy and didn’t happen right away. I had many false starts over a span of five years, but once I finally let go of recreational sugar— it made a world of difference. A lot of my extra weight came off, it gave me new clarity and brought me closer to my higher power. 

As time went on though, I didn’t feel entirely abstinent (like it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). I still found myself overeating and occasionally binging and couldn’t figure out why. My life was significantly better than it had been, but I didn't feel abstinent. It became clear that abstaining from recreational sugar wasn’t enough.

Eventually, I had to admit that salty-crunchy foods were also triggers. But that intellectual knowledge was not enough to keep me from eating them. I made lists, upon lists of the offending snacks that kept tripping me up. I made commitment after commitment to abstain from them only to relapse, each time growing more despondent. After about a year of this, I started feeling bad about myself for not maintaining long-term abstinence and almost used it as an excuse to leave program.

With a little abstinence and objectivity this is what I discovered. 

I have not been willing to consistently in the “heat of the moment”… pause before taking a bite of an alcoholic food. Why? Because I still have the alcoholic mind that tells me “Just one popcorn kernel won't hurt me. I can eat it without any consequences." I hear the voice of the disease and I believe it. 

Today I realize the decision whether to eat not take that first compulsive bite has already been made. It’s been made because I am powerless over substance xyz, which means I know in my heart of hearts that if I eat that substance, it will trigger the disease. Me choosing to eat that substance, is me choosing to listen to the disease instead of my HP. I can no longer willingly make that choice. I can no longer justify taking that first compulsive bite. 

Practicing Step one is more than knowing I am powerless over food. It’s being 100% honest about what my alcoholic foods are and the willingness to abstain from them. It's knowing that if I reach for those foods, I will overeat them. It’s just that simple.