Letting Go Absolutely of Old Ideas

I had a victory today that I wanted to share. I was dreading a doctor appointment because the last time I was there, I did not feel heard. My old self would have gone home and binged after my appointment to make myself feel better. This behavior would spill into the next day, and the next, and the next to the point where I did not even realize what I was doing. It would become second nature. I would wake up a month later and wonder to myself, how did I get here? How did it get so bad? And then I would try to reign it in and control my compulsive eating with various diets or fasts and it would work for a bit, but then ultimately fail. And the cycle would repeat itself again and again with the next event and the next. This cycle applied to any situation where I felt I needed to control the outcome but could not. So, it did not even have to be a doctor appointment not going my way, it could have been any situation good or bad where I believed I needed a perfect outcome. I could have been celebrating a birthday where I believed it was “my day” and I deserved to have a perfect day.

Since working the steps, I take that same anxious energy that I used to try to control outcomes of any situation; and, instead of going to the food for ease and comfort to deal with the result, I now send 10th steps to my sponsor and go into action and turn my attention to helping someone else. 

So, today, by the time the doctor appointment arrived, I was able to take my sponsor’s feedback of going into my doctor’s appointment with the new perspective of knowing I am not alone and there is a new solution. I was able to show up and be present by letting go absolutely. Absolutely, meaning my mind was quiet and open enough to allow my hp in to help guide me into letting go of my character defects that were wanting to gain control of the interaction. And the doctor appointment went well. And even if the doctor’s appointment did not go well, I would have had the same solution:  I am not alone. Letting go absolutely works.

LY

Emerging From Covid and Feeling Unanchored

"Today I know that change is constant."  Voices of Recovery p. 327

This is true whether my life is smooth or bumpy. In either case, I remind myself of our slogan "This too shall pass". Right now (today, with no prediction for tomorrow) my life is neither smooth nor bumpy and yet I feel a sense of discomfort as I (and others) come out of Covid isolation. When my confinement began there was no choice about what to do or not do. That was set for me by the very nature of quarantine. I just had to find solutions to small problems like shopping, getting to OA meetings and exercise. But now, the "out process" feels big and I feel unanchored. There are so many options to consider that are not so easily available in contrast to Zoom and conference calls. I have to go places, drive, reapportion my time, etc. This is doable but hard. Of course, I need change nothing. This is certainly an option. But if I do decide to make changes, I want to be selective about what I choose or I suspect I will soon feel overwhelmed. My sponsor reminded me that I am powerless over the whole re-entry process. So this is what I believe: some things will just unfold, other things will require new or renewed actions and some things will require waiting.

Reflections on "Dr. Bob's Nightmare"

What I wrote after finishing “Dr. Bob’s Nightmare” in our Big Book writing meeting:   

This is a shocking story, partly because it points out so strongly the vulnerability to alcoholism that brilliant and highly accomplished people can have. For decades, Dr. Bob just couldn’t get it that he was permanently disabled from drinking sanely. He went to immense effort to make sure he could drink by arranging every detail in his life to make the habit sustainable. That effort became more massive at every turn, and the certainty of its failure grew ever more massive, too.  

I did an equivalent thing with my addiction. It went from being a way to please my boyfriend to being the ruin of every important thing and almost every important relationship in my life. Only my parents were still there when I hit bottom, and they let me know I was causing them nothing but grief. All the while, I wanted desperately to stop my disordered eating; and I investigated every spiritual and secular avenue for recovery I could find. All to no avail.  

Dr. Bob had to go through many dimensions of hell before he could stop drinking. I had to go through a 19-year relapse and a near-death experience before I could secure a foothold on sane eating. I couldn’t have done it without OA, nor without my near-death experience.  

It is a testimony to the generosity of our higher power that so many addicts of all varieties are given chance after chance to begin recovery  -- until, finally, the last brick is put in place to complete their path of surrender. A great songwriter and poet, Leonard Cohen, said, “There is a crack, a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.” Some of us have to get cracked wide open by self-inflicted pain before we can give in to common sense. Only a higher power can be persistent and patient enough to stay with us until that surrender happens.   

-S

Twelfth Step Within: Fun and Fellowship

Many of us think of the 12^th Step as reaching out to those outside of our fellowship who may need or want the OA way of life. That is certainly an accurate and important way to approach this step. The idea behind the 12^th Step Within is that there are many within our fellowship that need outreach as well. That outreach can come in many forms.

All I Needed Was Just Enough Faith

When I think about faith, I think about the difference in my life just three years ago. My faith was dried up, cracked to the touch. I believed in things that were killing me.

I’d quit believing that having faith in something greater could lastingly do anything for me. I also believed I had a right to feel this way because of the struggles and horrors I’d witnessed throughout my life. Back then, the ongoing hell around me had me tangled as I spent most of my days for several years with my son in a children’s cancer hospital. Eventually, I completely surrendered my faith and my life to substances that offered me relief for just brief seconds.

Some Thoughts About Faith

F is for - Fear which is not compatible with faith.
A is for - Acceptance. Perhaps faith begins with acceptance.
I is for - I, me, mine which are replaced, because of faith, with a power greater than myself.
T is for - The Third Step whose principle is faith.
H is for - Happiness. Happiness like faith is an inside job.

Since March is the 3^rd month of the year, I am focusing on the 3^rd step and its principle: faith. I’m writing about the 3^rd step as I read the OA 12 & 12, which I have read many times before. My sponsor suggested that reading something familiar with a new understanding is an example of “setting aside” what I know. I will then be available to learn something new. And, to my surprise, I am learning new things. For me, this might also be an example of a spiritual experience.

The World Isn’t Ending, I Am Just Hungry

When I was deep into the disease of compulsive overeating, I rarely felt physical hunger. Since I was eating in excess all the time I never gave my body the chance to be hungry. On the rare occasion that I did feel physical hunger— things got ugly quickly. That uncomfortable gurgling in my belly triggered panic in my head that the world was ending. As the hunger pangs worsened I became irritable, moody and discontent. I could count on this without fail. Physical hunger ruled me. 

A sponsor suggested a solution that worked like gangbusters. Always keep small snacks on hand so you never get too hungry. This was a revelation to me— one, that another compulsive overeater felt the same way and two, that it was okay to plan for this and see that my needs were met. Mind blown. From then on I kept a small packet of almonds or protein bar in my glove compartment and my purse at all times. 

This solution worked for me for years and I thought it was the best I could hope for. But, today after 22 months of abstinence, working the steps, taking direction and relying on my Higher Power, I don’t need to keep those snacks waiting in the wings as insurance against physical discomfort. For the first time in my life, I can sit with those feelings and know I’ll be alright. When I feel the pangs, I pause and ask my higher power to remove them. Those feelings eventually go away. I am not terrified of being hungry today because I have a HP that works, if I just remember to ask. 

                                                                                                                                                                    -Anonymous